i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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