I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Too much gin, very little bucket
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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