Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
