This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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