Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
