me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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