last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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