I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
