The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
