Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
