if you like me you must not know who I am
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
