You can't special order awesome
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
