I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize