So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
