After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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