Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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