I feel great
I just peed on a car
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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