At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
