all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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