he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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