walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
