How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
