Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
