so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
