There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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