there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
