god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
