I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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