I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
