I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
