Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
