Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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