I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
