I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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