You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
