All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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