mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
