I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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