I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
