I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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