The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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