She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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