dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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