No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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