watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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