I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Im part way to drunk.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I wear drunk well.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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