break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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