hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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