I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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