I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
