I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
