physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I need a beard to bite.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
