You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
