i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
