Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize