you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
We are two peas in an std pod
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Randomize
