Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
