weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Someone shit on the floor
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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