And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
